I grew up with a very negative voice telling me I couldn’t achieve anything, and everything was too scary to even attempt. That voice has haunted me for a long time. I fight it best I can, but sometimes (and less frequently nowadays) I succumb to it. The voice tells me I’m stupid for chasing my dreams and I should be embarrassed by every part of my being. On other days I tap into the positive voice that lives there somewhere and a voice I’m trying to nurture and listen to more. Her voice tells me I’m invincible and I’ve overcome so much, so why not keep going and seeing what I can achieve next.
Those voices play a huge part in every area of my life, from writing a WhatsApp message, to dressing, to applying for a job. The devil and angel sitting closely together performing a risk analysis of what lies ahead, what will people think, what have I not considered that I will need to watch out for.
During the first lockdown of 2020 those two voices had a lot to say. One left me locked away in my room crying for hours, the other encouraged me to apply for a mentorship with Cosmo. To my complete shock, surprise and absolute delight I won a place to be mentored by the Cosmo UK features team. Since then I’ve had features published by Cosmo, Black Ballad, Women’s Health and Grazia/The Juggle. In this moment, I am living my wildest dreams and I did not think it could get any better, until it did.
I was nominated for The Freelance Writing Awards. I have my suspicions regarding the person who nominated me, and all I can say is that they are an absolute writing legend! They are incredible and I have been a fan of their work for so long. This nomination was the pat on the back, the well done, the hug, the congratulations and the validation I didn’t realise I longed for, after nervously chasing a dream I was afraid would turn into nightmare.
I didn’t make the shortlist for the awards, but I was told I made the longlist! I had fun hoping and the nomination itself still has me on a high. The feedback I received during the process was equally as beautiful and touching as the nomination itself. Here I was reading the most flattering words about my writing from the best in the business, from phenomenal writers and editors who saw something in my work and (most reassuring to me) didn’t laugh at was in front of them; didn’t think it was bizarre to see my entry amongst the hundreds of other talented writers.
In this moment I feel so proud, happy and content; and I wanted to put that into writing.
If my daughters ever spot these pages, I want you to know that I will always be most proud of you and I will always support your dreams – whatever they may be. I hope I fill you so much confidence and support that you will never question your abilities to be amazing, because you are already amazing and you can achieve whatever you set your mind to.
Shout out to my husband and besties (you know who you are) for always being the external positive voice I need to hear when I start doubting myself. Thank you for all your patience and thank you for believing in me. I love you all.
Thank you for reading,
Chloe
