I have started to write so many posts to share about my experience as a black/mixed race woman and as a black /mixed race mother to light skinned children; but for me at this time the topic of race and racism is so huge I don’t know where to begin. 

Privately, I’ve had a lot of discussions on the topic, many of which have been with white friends wanting to understand more about my experience with racism. While I don’t want that to stop and I think it’s hugely positive, I am both emotionally and mentally drained.

Sadly, I had until recently come to terms with racism in the UK. It’s part of day-to-day life; from outright violent to many micro-aggressions* demonstrating a deep belief that, as a black woman, I am inferior. 
I can’t bring myself to write a detailed list of every occasion I’ve experienced racism, it is too long and sends me into a rage; but without you hearing some of what I’ve experienced, I guess it may be hard for some people reading to really know what I’m talking about. So let me share a little bit… I’ve been called the n word multiple times; spat on; told I was being too aggressive and threatening when simply speaking; assumed I was the nanny of my light skinned children; questioned about where I live because the road I mentioned was surely too nice for a black person to live on… Get the picture? I commend those who have articulately relived and retold their experiences, because it is not easy and I for one do not have it in me to share in any more detail. 

Until recently I found a way to cope with those experiences, to go on and to fit in best I can. Choosing when and how I reveal my blackness. Perfecting my polite, posh voice so that I wouldn’t be seen as ‘intimidating’, ‘threatening’ or ‘angry’. Picking my battles if confronted with racist behaviour. However, since the deserving uproar surrounding George Floyd’s death and many other unlawful and racists deaths of African Americans I no longer want to be submissive to racism. The recent coverage of these racist deaths and worldwide protests have unearthed a lot of my own painful feelings and memories around racism. What I’m feeling now, is a deep sadness, anger and an embarrassment of ever backing down. Why should I?

For a minute I feel hopeful I may see profound change in my lifetime, but then I come across a post with the hashtag #alllivesmatter*; or as my private discussions continue with a ‘close’ white friend – they demonstrate zero empathy or acknowledgement of white privilege*. And worse still no awareness of their own white privilege, and I quickly remember why I chose to pick my battles, blend in and move on.

I have many white friends and family, and I’ve been feeling a huge pressure to help educate them on my black experience and racism in the UK. In many ways I want to and I’m happy to play my part, but I can’t do all the work. When a white friend and/or acquaintance appears interested in my view but then won’t look at themselves, makes an insensitive joke demonstrating their white privilege right in the middle of talking about racism, or reveals no intention to educate themselves further on this issue, it’s infuriating. I understand it’s a hard process to self reflect and evaluate, but it’s an even harder process to experience racism and live with it.

I simply wanted to share that I currently feel sad, angry, ashamed and drained.

Micro-aggressions, White Privilege and the problem with ‘All Lives Matter’. 

Micro- aggressions. Racism is so deep rooted, you may not even realise that you hold racist beliefs. Ever cross the road on purpose if you see a black person walking towards you? If yes, why? Ever think three black boys together must be in a gang? If yes, why? If you saw a black man and a white man sitting next to each other and someone else told you one of them was a doctor and the other a criminal – who would you think is the doctor? 

This tweet provides another example of micro-aggressions. https://twitter.com/barristerfiona/status/1267421457476435968?s=21

#blacklivesmatter. This is hashtag to use and share if you really want to be actively anti-racist, and in doing so of course this does not mean other lives don’t matter; but it is black lives being lost due to racism and police brutality. It goes without saying that all lives matter. Saying all lives matter in this context is insulting and completely missing the point. 

White privilege. If you’re unsure what this means, please read the following article and here’s a little quote from it. 

“White privilege in this situation is being able to move into a “nice” neighborhood and be accepted not harassed.”

My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest.
https://www.yesmagazine.org/opinion/2017/09/08/my-white-friend-asked-me-on-facebook-to-explain-white-privilege-i-decided-to-be-honest/

Thank you for reading.